I can’t believe you’ve been with your boyfriend for 5 years!
This is what I often hear from people I know. I too find it surprising that I’ve managed to stay in a committed and stable relationship for half a decade.
We come from dissimilar backgrounds, have a very different upbringing, were in different “stages in life”, and had different value systems. Here are 5 things that I’ve learned that helped us stay together as we co-habited.
#1 – Understand that change is a constant process
People don’t “change” overnight. You don’t wake up suddenly one day and your partner becomes this stranger in your bed. What makes it feel like such a crazy difference? Denial
If I acknowledge each day that my partner won’t be the same person I first met forever, I can learn to keep my expectations in check, communicate my discomfort, and just be responsible for my reaction. Sweeping things under the carpet by telling myself, “it’s nothing”, doesn’t allow me to grow alongside those changes.
Maybe I dislike what’s happening, but first, before acceptance comes into the picture, am I even aware of the changes, and am I acknowledging them?
- Will you be the same person two years from now? Probably, “no”.
- It’s not about how different we become that separates us, but how we perceive those changes.
#2 – Realising that adding value to my other half won’t always be easy
There are times when trying to add value through advice, suggestions, or my actions, I may face rejection. It’s important for me to take a step back and find a new way to convey the same message without letting the hurt from rejection color it.
Connecting to the “why” behind my comments help me see things from a different angle. If it was really all for the benefit of my partner, recalling this helps me move on, do something differently, and build trust.
It’s not easy to add value without expecting a thank you, appreciation, or change to happen on my terms. It means continuously being a pillar of support in whatever way possible because there’s more than just 1 way.
- Are we truly saying or doing something for our partner or does it just makes us feel better when we say or do those things?
- Look at what we’re saying or doing from a different perspective, connect with the real intention behind it, and approach it differently.
#3 – Remembering “don’t give me a problem, give me a solution”
Always work on a solution, instead of harping on a problem. “Oh my god, why did you do that?” is a kneejerk reaction, but “Okay, let’s find you a way out” creates better outcomes.
Whenever Freman comes to me for advice, my natural instinct is to wonder why the mistake was made. Nothing wrong with that. It’s important to find out why first with the intention of finding better solutions, but not to stay stuck there.
No one wants to be faced with a problem and receive nothing but “finger-pointing” and “I told you so” in their faces. We try to point out when we go into “accusation” mode and then we make our next steps.
- Problem space keeps you stuck, solution space pushes you forward
- Repeat this mantra when falling into the “accusation” mode.
#4 – My relationship doesn’t have to fulfill my every need
I may dream of a “Mr. Perfect” does every single thing I love, but a relationship isn’t made to fulfill my every need. Similarly, he may dream of a “Girlfriend Charming” who has a face like Alba and body like Upton, speaks with him on the same intellectual level, and shares his every hobby, but that’s wishful thinking. When will we be content with what exists if we are always on the lookout for something better? What is enough?
Relationship graveyards are really filled with broken relationships filled with unrealistic expectations. We are living in a new world where previous limitations don’t exist thanks to apps and the internet. It is a real test to choose to stick to a commitment, no matter what it takes. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that the best is what we already have. How it gets from good to great is how we choose to experience it.
- A relationship is“a state of being connected” and we can be connected to people even if they aren’t perfect.
- “Better” is just subjective and a matter of perspective.
#5 – Having a line that we choose not to cross
I had a pretty deep conversation with Freman just a few weeks ago on a conflict I experienced. He surprised me with these words of wisdom:
How come you’re allowing yourself to be manipulated? Have you ever thought about why I can’t manipulate you even if I tried? How come you can say no to me, but not to someone else?
I was flabbergasted and for the first time in this relationship, I was honestly stumped and couldn’t answer, but he really went on to further amaze me with his maturity.
It’s because, in our relationship, we have standards. There’s a line that we can choose not to cross and we don’t.
We clearly know we can manipulate each other if we want to, but we trust each other not to and we don’t and can say no when we have to and we mutually respect each other enough to accept that decision.
Why do people choose to manipulate someone else? It’s usually for leverage; They want to elevate their position and strength in a relationship. If someone comes up on top, someone has to be at the bottom. In a loving relationship with two equals, is there a need to be the “better” half?
- I can’t be manipulated when I am confident and trusting enough to say no.
- I don’t have to manipulate anyone when I feel safe enough not to need the “upper hand”.
A relationship is so humbling for me because no matter how “smart” I think I am, my partner and this relationship never fail to teach me something new about myself and others. This is not advice, but lessons I’m sharing. Take what is useful and discard what isn’t!
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