If you’re coming to terms with your own traditional wedding banquet challenges and feel like this event is growing completely out of your control, feel harassed by a growing wish list, and feel this wedding doesn’t look like its YOURS anymore, here’s my advice: Breathe. Once you’re done doing that you can read the rest of this post because here’s how I came to make peace with our decision to do it and be okay with it.
Unlike most couples in Singapore, we decided not to do our solemnization and traditional wedding banquet all at once. I’m not a fan of the whole Chinese traditional wedding banquet shebang. I find that it’s a lot of hassle and incredible amounts of planning mostly done by us. Plus, when it comes to traditions, it’s like a “pick your own story” affair. Except I don’t pick, our parents cherry-pick the ones that resonate with them.
Honestly, I was hoping that after the little exchange of vows and copious amounts of beer and tequila shots at our ROM dinner party two years ago, we could call it a day and hang up our wedding shoes for good. But somehow, I knew it wouldn’t be fair. It just didn’t feel right to me that we skipped it just because I didn’t understand it. I mean, just think about it, this event is less ours than it is theirs. We had our fun and our time to hang out with our friends and enjoy our day two years ago, and while we may not see the allure of the Chinese traditional banquet, our parents definitely do.
Yes, it would come out of our own pockets, and there are countless debates out there on how unnecessary it is and that all that money would be best spent on an extravagant holiday across Europe or exotic location, but there are some things that are worth doing, even if they’re hard, agonizing and pretty illogical.
So here I stand “twice married” to the same man.
Advice #1 – Ignore what your prudent peers may say about traditional wedding banquets being a colossal waste of money (but be polite about it)
Just listen to what the “save the money for a holiday” camp has to say, but you can choose to ignore this comment if it’s not constructive to you and your situation in any way.
I am all for being thrifty and prudent, and I don’t mean to ruffle feathers over this comment. It’s really nothing personal.
What I’m trying to say here is, yes, weddings (traditional or not) CAN be a colossal waste of money, but they can also be meaningful and worth whatever you choose to spend on it. Everyone has their own value system and their own lives to lead. You don’t have to feel guilty about what you’ve decided to do about your wedding. You don’t have to feel bad about your choices. Make them wisely, make them with a good head on your shoulders about how you’ll afford them and smile and say thank you for the well-meaning advice and appreciate how they’ve been able to make their own choice. Like you do you, boo.
Advice #2 – Be clear on what is your real “walkaway” point from every wedding related spend and stick to it
It’s frustrating when you’re picking up the tab on all wedding spends and your parents or in-laws feel like your budget is ever-so-elastic. They might not realize how tough they’re making things because their heads may be stuck in being a part of your traditional wedding banquet and I mean, every and any part.
That said, while it’s okay to ignore un-constructive comments about wedding expenditure, it’s not okay to just spend way beyond your means and suffer the consequences later. It’s just not healthy for your mental health long-term. It helps to be extremely clear on what you can really afford and the real value of any of these spends. If the value derived, price you’ll have to pay, and sacrifices you have to make don’t match up, don’t say yes to it. Just be respectful about it and cross your fingers that they will come around eventually. In the meanwhile, you have your best friends and other married friends to rant to.
Advice #3 – Understand the true value of the traditional wedding banquet
Be strategic about it. A Chinese traditional wedding is a crazy affair to pull off and the last thing you want is to not be clear on what the true value of it is. Here’s how I changed the way I looked at it. It still drove me nuts, but it really put things into perspective, so after ranting about things, I could always pick up myself and run again.
This is your parents and in-laws milestone too
This is the first time your parents and your parents-in-law will see YOU and your spouse as an adult. It’s an emotional thing for them. No matter how many kids they have and if you’re the first or the last to get married in the family, this is the first time as YOUR parent they’ve reached this milestone and it’s natural that they want to be a part of it in every way possible (even if sometimes it may not be helpful participation).
The wedding is the first and last time every single person showing up will be in the same room
You should get shivers when you say this out loud. Not to be morbid, but I believe it’s fairly certain that every single person in that banquet hall will never be in the same place, at the same time, celebrating together ever again. It is also highly likely that this is your parents’ and in-laws’ last time to see all their friends from their entire lifetime and family in a room. If seeing all your friends turn up for YOU makes you teary-eyed and happy, imagine how it must feel for your parents and in-laws at their age. Some of their friends might no longer be around too. It may be your celebration, but it is also their celebration that marks the passing of time.
Don’t do it for face, do it for love
Every single time you feel tempted to do something out of “saving face” either for yourself or your parents and in-laws, don’t. But be smart about it. There are things within reason that you could do, that when you sacrifice to get it for them, it shows up as loving them.
It’s a real shift in mindset, because how you feel about everything you do changes the way you speak about them. Focus hard on how much you love them (even if by extension because you love your partner) and you’ll find ways to convey how much you care even if you can’t do something they’ve requested, or if you do something and you share how you’ll have to make things work without coming across as reluctant to do it. If they’re being difficult, let them come to terms with it. It’ll be alright. There’s always another time to show them how much you love them even if you say “no”.
Advice #4 – It’s okay to feel down and negative sometimes… but don’t stay there for too long
I’ve said it before too many friends and I’ll say it again, I understand that the wedding banquet is like a bloody circus show and even if I have to ride an elephant in like Prince Ali and clap my cymbal hands, I’ll do it. The sooner I accepted that, the easier it was for me to let things go. What matters was my WHY. Why did I do it in the first place? Once I am reminded of that, I could move on.
There are things worth standing firm on, but there are incredibly many insignificant comments and things that will come your way as you get closer to your big day that won’t even matter when all the dust settles. You’ll find them funny even when you think about how much grief it gave you when you look back at them.
Whenever you’re feeling negative, let yourself be. It’s your right to feel whatever you do and to find someone who’ll listen to you in your negative space without judgment. It’s not alright to lash out because of those feelings. Don’t dwell there for too long though. After reminding yourself of your “why” enough, you’ll find the space to move out of your negative space and make the best of things.
Advice #5 – It’s meaningful if you make it so
I had a tough few months leading up to our traditional wedding banquet. It wasn’t easy. I had late nights trying to plan it while working a grueling day job. I took on photography gigs to get some spare income to make sure cash flow was good and we had buffer for any “sacrifices” we had to make, and I even had an emotional breakdown right before my first march-in where I bawled my eyes out because I was so stressed about everything. But through it, I grew into someone else as I worked hard to earn, save, and plan for my wedding.
Unlike my other high stress event organising gigs (which honestly are technically 100x more stressful in comparison – like I could have gotten in real shit level), I had emotional stakes in my wedding, because I so badly wanted my parents and in-laws to be happy and proud, and that made it automatically the most stressful event I’ve ever planned and executed.
But if I had to turn back time and do it all over again, I would, because I know what the true value of it was. I saw it for myself and it lives on in photos.
Like please, just look at these photos and smiles. They are so genuine, I can’t even.
I have never seen my in-laws this happy. I have never seen them kiss and hug my husband, but that day, thanks to the photographer’s prompting and teasing, they did. I wasn’t there, but the photos exist and even if it was probably initially awkward, these are moments to remember forever.
Oh, my dad was low-key exploding from happiness. I believe he’s waited for this day for a long time. Damn, was this traditional wedding priceless! The effort, the frustration, the stress; It was all worth it. The pay-off can be so sweet if you focus on that.
My mom, being the cool cucumber that she is (I inherit my outward calm and stoic nature from her), seemed pretty chill, but she was extremely pleased to be able to wear her own wedding dress again to my wedding, which was really cute. I know she was happy for me.
Did I have to spend that much money in order to make this magic happen? Maybe, maybe not. But what mattered most was that it was really important to my parents and in-laws and I wanted them to be happy. What better way than to put my biases aside and to build a better relationship through the traditional wedding process?
Every time I wanted to rip my hair out, I reminded myself of that. This allowed me to say, “Okay, let’s focus on what is important then.” Truth be told, it could have gone sideways, but thankfully Freman and I were crystal clear on our objective for the traditional wedding banquet. In the end, we achieved what we set out to and we now feel it in every interaction with our parents and in-laws.
To begin to love, you just do it. The more you act on it, the more it grows. That’s what I personally felt the wedding symbolized: Our love, not just for each other, but my family, new and old.
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